One and done?

In the last few weeks, one theme that has come up multiple times in client sessions is the mixed feelings that surround having an only child. For many, the decision to have one child is a conscious choice, while for others, it’s a decision shaped by circumstance or mutual compromise.

Some couples note that they were always ambivalent about whether or not to have kids. Maybe they spent their 30s building their careers, traveling, and never really felt anything was missing.  Sometimes that changes, and for other couples, while the ambivalence is still there, so is the fear of missing out, as they begin to hear the ticking of their biological clocks. Other families decide to have one child because it is aligned with their values related to the environment, climate change, and overpopulation.

Other couples might feel forced into the decision to have one child, either by financial limitations, health concerns, or age. For those who are parents of one child not by choice, it is often hard initially to see the incredible amount of joy, freedom, and unique benefits that come from raising a single child, and the special type of fulfillment it can offer.

When it’s not your choice:

Sometimes, the complexities of getting pregnant either the first time or second, are what determines the only child family structure. This might come with a feeling of loss, grief, and then unfortunately guilt. “Does it mean I don’t think my child is enough?” And while these feelings are valid, as always, you can feel two things at once- you can love your child to the moon and adore being their parent, while still mourning that you couldn’t or didn’t have more.

Some parents experience fertility struggles or complications during pregnancy or childbirth, making the decision to have more children risky or simply unfeasible. In cases where a woman had a complicated birth, they might prefer not to take the risk of anything happening to them during the birth of another child. Other couples experiencing secondary infertility, miscarriage, or who used reproductive technology to conceive their first, realize that they’d rather be present than take away more time, attention, or energy to pursue a second pregnancy. In these cases, the decision to stop at one is often filled with mixed emotions—sadness over the loss of the dream of a larger family, paired with immense gratitude for the healthy child they already have. It might seem difficult, but nearly all parents come to a place where they don’t let the desire for another child overshadow the joy of raising the one child they have. If couples separate or divorce after their first child, there can be feelings of guilt, but staying in an unfulfilling relationship just for the sake of giving a child a sibling is usually not in any member of the family’s best interest.

When it is your choice

For many, the idea of a small family resonates deeply with their vision of family life. Perhaps one partner has always envisioned a single child, or after experiencing the challenges and rewards of parenting their first, they decide that they are content with their family as it is. This is often surprising to those who always expected they’d have more kids, and just as much as I’ve seen guilt about grieving not having a second child, I’ve also seen a good amount of guilt for feeling content as a parent of one. If everyone in your extended family and social circle seems like they’re having multiple kids, some women begin to question what it says about them that they don’t want the same. “Is there something wrong with me? Does this mean I don’t love being a mom as much as the next woman?” The simple answer NO. There’s nothing wrong with you; you love being a mom in a smaller family.  It’s best to set aside the noise of societal pressure and look inward. Do you feel content and fulfilled? If so, that often quickly elucidates the answer.

To further disentangle the confusion, I ask clients to do simple values exercise.  What are the most important values when they think of family? Is it a large, loud, busy dinner table? If so, that tells you something. But if it’s simply quality time and deeply knowing your child, or spontaneity, flexibility, and being present, there’s nothing about these values that are necessarily aligned with a large family as opposed to smaller. Additionally, one child can feel more manageable when it comes to finances. Some couples choose that they’d rather be able to give their one child more in the way of resources than have a different lifestyle with more children.

We know that having kids can change the dynamics of marriage. Marriages can flourish in families of any size, but there is also absolutely nothing wrong with saying “I think my own relationship with my partner is better served by having only one child.” And that’s not to say that the marriage couldn’t survive other kids; it’s saying that just because we can do something doesn’t mean we have to.

Finding Fulfillment in the Journey of One

While the grief of unfulfilled desires is real, it’s important to recognize that many parents find a deep sense of fulfillment and joy in raising their only child. You don’t have to split your time between two bedtime routines or helping two with homework. Maybe you can be present for more of the after-school activities that you would have needed someone to tag- team to handle if you had more kids.  The bond between parent and child can be particularly close and intense, maybe in a way that would be different (not better or worse) if there were other children in the home. And by having one child, some people like finding that they are their child’s “person”- when they need support, or help, they don’t have a sibling to go to first, they come to you. They find that their only child’s uniqueness, personality, and connection with them create a rich, rewarding experience.

For those who choose this path, or end up on it unintentionally, the emotional journey is not defined by what is missing, but by the love and connection that is there, even if it’s among fewer people.