Ever have a day where you feel like you’re killing it as a mom, then you open Instagram and instantly feel deflated and defeated by women who look like they woke up with a professional blowout on a Tuesday, whose kids are eating more vegetables than yours, wearing clothes that always match, smiling bigger, and not having a tantrum on the floor at the moment? Or maybe you just had another month of peeing on stick that didn’t end up with a second line, and now your Facebook or Instagram page is inundated with pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, and baby pictures from your neighbor, your coworker (didn’t she JUST get back from her first maternity leave?), and that girl you never really liked in high school who still haunts your feed.
In a world where social media is always there, often scrolling is something we think of as “taking a break” from a boring meeting, or something that helps us mindlessly wind down at the end of the day. But the never-ending stream of pregnancy announcements, celebrations of first steps and other milestones, to infinite Mom hacks and gear suggestions from paid partnerships can be exhausting, and it sometimes feels like everyone else has their parenting journey figured out while you’re still using your GPS every step of the way.
Social Media Comparison usually affects us in two major ways: timeline comparison, and value comparisons.
Timeline Comparison
The algorithm works to show you what it thinks you want to see, and while it is pretty smart (ok, unbelievably accurate at times), the truth is every mom’s journey is different, even if their kids are similar ages. The fact that your family’s timeline doesn’t mirror someone else’s doesn’t make it any less valuable or important. Just because your friend’s (or Instagram mom pundit’s) baby started sleeping through the night at 12 weeks and yours is still waking up at 8 months does not mean your child is delayed (it just means you’re tired). Some babies walk at 9 months, some at 18 months, and these are both within the “normal” timeframe according to pediatricians. Or maybe it seems like everyone you know is going for “two under two” but you’re still not sure if you’re happy to be one and done.
Likewise, what we see when we are trying to conceive but not yet successful can also be really detrimental to mental health. Seeing others post ultrasound pictures and videos cutting into pink and blue cakes can leave you feeling inadequate, less than, or even broken. It may feel like life is unfair, or bring up uncomfortable but totally valid feelings of anger and jealousy. When you’re trying to get pregnant, it’s almost always true that you’re doing it because you want to build your family, regardless of who else is pregnant. But in the moment of comparison, the fact that your friend of a friend of a friend-or some mom personality who lives across the country- is pregnant leaves you feeling gutted and wanting what she has.
Value comparison
When you’re inundated with beautifully curated photos of picture-perfect moments with smiling children, pristine homes, organized calendars, and seemingly endless energy, it’s hard to remember this is almost never the full story. Behind every perfectly staged photo, there may be chaos, stress, or sleepless nights. Kudos to the real-life moms and “influencers” with more of a following who do show some of this. It makes us laugh, and feel seen and understood.
When you’re feeling like you’re not living up to what you see and everyone else’s parenthood journey seems perfect I always remind clients
Maybe someone’s child walked and talked early, and when you’re hearing about it now before their first birthday, you don’t have a crystal ball to know what’s going to happen when they’re in kindergarten. Maybe they’ll be the first to read in their class and maybe the last. The mom who struggles with IVF and sees her friend get pregnant on the first try thinks she has it so easy. But fast forward a few years down the line. Maybe the easily conceived child will struggle socially, or be diagnosed with a developmental delay or get bullied. Hopefully none of the above, but it just illustrates the question of who had it harder? Everyone will struggle at some point of their parenting journey. Maybe your time is now, maybe it’s later (I wish it were never), but what you’re seeing on social media will often not line up.
Will this Matter in Five Years?
When your feed is inundated with Christmas (or Chanukah) pregnancy announcements, it feels soul crushing if you’re still waiting for that positive beta. But take a step back, and ask- in five Decembers from now, will it matter if my child is 4 years and 7 months or 4 years and 2 months? If you’re stressing because everyone’s baby seems to be walking early, and your 14-month-old seems pretty content to continue crawling, I guarantee no kindergartener will ask him on the playground when he took his first steps before chasing him around like a maniac. And I like to joke that the breastfed babies, the formula fed babies, and the combo fed babies will all be eating goldfish (or organic cheddar bunnies) off the floor in two years.
Curating What You See on Social Media
It’s hard to make black and white rules about social media use. I’ve talked to many moms who have deleted it in hopes that it would help their mental health, only to need to reactivate later because, for better or worse, Instagram and Facebook are one of the most important ways that in-person connections are formed for new moms: posts about upcoming kid friendly events in town, mom groups at the library, recommendations for pediatricians, postpartum therapists, daycares or lactation consultants. And yes- a lot of the breastfeeding tips, sleep schedules, meal ideas, and gear suggestions can be super helpful. So how do you find balance?
There’s no one-size fits all approach, so check in with yourself frequently after scrolling and be honest. Are you feeling better? More relaxed? Energized because you have a new idea for parenting? Comforted because you feel less alone? Did you learn anything useful? Did you laugh? If the answer is yes, then keep doing what you’re doing, of course with all the other necessary boundaries for time and sleep and being present in real life.
But if you’re feeling worse- inadequate, frustrated, angry, or jealous, it’s time to take a good hard look at your content. You see more of what you look at, so it might be helpful to diversify your feed and snooze or unfollow what you know isn’t serving you. And remember, everything related to parenting is personal, unique, and nuanced. Sure, you might try on an outfit that looks great on someone else and style it just the same, and then realize it’s just not for you. Or you can follow the recipe for the BEST EVER sourdough, or chocolate chip cookie, or salad dressing that will make you never again buy another salad dressing, and surprise surprise, you realize that you liked your go-to better. You are the expert on your own life, preferences, and what works for you. So let’s apply what we know from fashion and recipes to parenting and family building.
Take a moment to reflect on your individual journey and be proud of it. Embrace the unique path you’re on, the joys it brings, and the lessons and strength that grow out of the challenges.
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